Today is Yoyo's lucky day, as is tomorrow, if you go by the numbers. Happy lucky days, Yoyo-chan.
The events of the past few days, in my head at least, have given me mixed emotions. Everything happens to me in my head, but that's besides the point.
Good things happened. I talked to my mom about leaving. She's actually okay with it. I don't have to worry about fights while I pack. I don't have to worry about hauling off and calling a taxi to get me to the airport. She'll just drive me up there, quietly, and we'll part ways. I am now staring into the swirling ribbons of the rest of my life, shooting away from me and forward in three-hundred directions, the path long and rich and clear. I'm now the single soul proprietor of my very own bag of bones, free to move it wherever I like. Some people take that feeling for granted, that they spend all their time making their own choices. Fucking up royally, to be certain, but that grand self-fuck is what makes life worthwhile. No matter how hard the landing, there is always that exhilarating moment of leaping into the clear, brisk air and being surrounded on all sides by blue. At the top of such a jump there's always that zero-G moment where you hang in the air, staring into your trajectory, and you are free. Wholly and absolutely free, weightless, breathless.
I'm in that moment now.
Sometimes it's a little confusing. I think about the moment when I'll get to the gate, look at my mother. She's been the decision-maker for so many years. I don't think she realizes the influence she has, or that all of my choices up to this point have been so incredibly limited. I wonder what it will feel like when I step away from her, and the inches fill in between us like water in a dam. Steps and steps and space and space, and the snap in my chest will be palpable. Chains breaking. The last link holding me to earth. Snap.
It's been a long, hard war. It's going out with a splutter, a sigh, a wave of the hand. No guns, no cannons, no fireworks. The end of an era came with a sigh.
I've won a life that is mine.(?)
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